I know that’s drastic and awful but I just….I cant take it. It’s like this awful feeling has walloped me in the stomach and I just can’t make it stop. I feel like this ugly, awful, horrible creature who makes everyone in her life fucking miserable, and I just don’t really feel like I deserve to breathe any more. I’ve become a poor imitation of the one person I truly hate, and that makes me SICK with myself. Which is compounded by the fact that I am sick with grief over something that I never really had in the first place. Something that I deluded myself into thinking maybe I was good enough for, but now I know I was never even close. I told myself that damnit, I was a good girl who has been a fucking model person most of my life, and I never wanted anything so badly and I deserved this chance to be happy; that something genuinely good would finally happen to me. And now, instead, I’m this rotting mess of a person and I realize I couldnt have been more wrong, and my punishment for that grand self-deception is that I let my misery drive everyone away. Pretty soon I wont have friends. I’m not even sure i want myself anymore. Actually, I know I don’t.